A friend of mine was frustrated with trying to understand his girlfriend. She would occasionally explode at him, and from his perspective these bouts of anger were impossible to predict or avoid.
I assured him that he was mistaken. I’m something of an expert on the subject, having not only been happily married for 16 years, but also having raised my daughter from toddlerhood to womanhood. Women’s moods aren’t all that difficult to predict; the key is to know which variables to watch. Men tend to pick the wrong variables, usually those associated with some theory about how women should act, rather than how they do act.
The bizarre twentieth-century fetish for ignoring all sex differences muddies our thinking in this area. Anyone with the slightest grasp of evolutionary biology should expect men and women to act very different, as they would expect the sexes of nearly any species to act differently. I have much more to say on that, but I’ll reserve it for a later post.
So for all those confused men out there, I offer my theory of predicting your woman’s mood. Here are the variables to watch:
1. Hunger. When two people start arguing, it’s very, very likely that one of them has low blood sugar. It’s very difficult to argue or stay angry on a full stomach.
2. Affirmation or rejection of feelings. Women get hungry on their own, but this is the most effective way to make a woman angry or happy. When a woman tells you how she feels, then you can offer empathy, or you can tell her that she shouldn’t feel that way for reasons X, Y, and Z. Many men enjoy conversations that amount to verbal battles of wits. Very few women enjoy those.
3. Comfort with surroundings. Messy rooms stress most women, as do unpleasant odors, poor personal grooming, and other signs of disorder and uncleanliness. Women vary on the specific aspects of their surroundings that they find pleasant or stressful. Many focus on clutter, but others prefer hygiene, the appearance of wealth, aesthetics, pets, etc. But nearly every woman will become irritable if the important aspect of her environment is not as she wants it. This is much more important for women with significant men in their lives, as it’s basically the expression of the nesting instinct.
4. Social status with other women. Women compete amongst themselves on a plane that’s largely invisible to men, because their methods are usually very subtle. But a snippy comment from a woman will upset your woman far more than you would expect, because the same comment wouldn’t upset you at all.
5. Sickness and internal discomfort. Your woman is virtually guaranteed once-a-month crankiness. Beyond that, she might not have slept well, she might be falling ill, or her feet might hurt from poorly fitting shoes. If she’s in pain, then she won’t be in a good mood.
6. External stresses. There’s no sex difference on this one: Each woman has her own life, with her own goals and frustrations. Her mood will go up or down as she sees herself accomplishing her goals, or failing to accomplish them. She can also just have a bad day, and affirming her fatigue or frustration is a great way to score points.
7. Perception of danger. Young men have trouble with this. Most men like the idea of danger. That’s why we flock to movies in which the hero is continuously on the verge of being killed. Most of us don’t actively seek out danger, but our response once danger has passed is usually one of exhilaration and accomplishment.
Women see danger very differently. To them, there’s no upside. Danger is simply scary and acutely unpleasant. Many women learn to handle danger and cope effectively in dangerous situations. But very few women enjoy the feeling of being in danger, and most detest it. So a perception of the possibility of imminent harm will often drag down a woman’s mood for hours or even days afterwards. This is a particular problem for young men, whose moods often soar to levels of intensity often associated with violence, even though the mood itself may be elation or friendly horseplay.
8. Personal attractiveness. Nearly every woman wants to look good, because her appearance not only helps her secure a man’s affections, but it also plays a big role in her social status with other women. A woman will be unhappy to the extent that she feels that her hair looks bad, her clothes look bad, she doesn’t have her customary makeup, etc. It doesn’t help much to tell a woman that she looks good without those things, even if it’s true, because women usually try to look good more for each other than for their men. And women tend to judge a woman not on her inherent attractiveness, but on whether she has made the most of what nature gave her.